Live and breathe

I struggle to know which part of me is more afraid. The part that thinks he will come back or the part that doesn’t. I don’t know how to move on because I am terrified that he will come back; and I am terrified that he won’t. What if I find my happy, the person that I am meant to spend the rest of my life with and they ask about my past relationships? Or what if I keep holding myself back and I never give myself the opportunity to see if I would be happy?

I don’t believe in such a thing as a soulmate. I do however believe that there is one person whether they stick around in your head, waiting for you to get happy. Some people go on to marry that person and some of them end up like me. A bottle of wine in, wondering if months and months later is a good time to move on.

He moved on. He moved on before he was even with me. He moved on before it was even an issue. But it still was one. And I have become the person who is terrified to move on in case he comes back. I am not the kind of person who will just date someone to fill the gaps but even if I found someone perfect and he came back I would question everything. It isn’t fair to put that on someone else. It isn’t fair to expect someone to love me when I can never guarantee that I will love them back not permanently anyway.

How do you live with that? The fact that you love someone who wouldn’t even give you the time of day. Someone who barely remembers that you even exist. That you live and breathe in their absence even though they remain absent. I don’t know what I am meant to feel about that, or what I am meant to do because every time I feel like I can move on I am thrown straight back into this panicked state feeling like I can’t breathe, like I am drowning unable to move.

You see I knew right away that he was it for me, no second thoughts or guesses. I was done with all the boys, the bars, with sleeping around but he was just in the throws of getting it where he could and using me. And yet I still wait, hoping that I pass out before I feel this pain any deeper.

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