An open letter to my daughter,
This is something that I never saw myself writing. I didn’t see myself writing about this to you or anyone else for that matter but I want you to see what is going on with mummy and know that it is okay. A couple of weeks you saw me have a meltdown. Something that I have always tried to keep away from you. I had always hoped that I would be the strong mummy, the one that you didn’t see cry. I am realizing more and more that you seeing me cry is normal and it is not a crime.
As I write this I am still working for your pop. He is a good man, a strong man and he is a man that will see fault with any choice that I make that goes against his way of thinking. It doesn’t exactly make it easy to work for him or with him. I have always been highly critical of myself, wanting to be the best no matter what it takes. I can say that I honestly owe my drive and work ethic to your pop; that is where things start to go haywire.
As much as I am highly critical of myself, I am critical enough of myself for everyone else around me as well. That means that I don’t take very kindly to criticism because I can honestly say that I am giving everything I do all that I have. This means that I put an intense amount of pressure and strain on myself, fighting for recognition so that I know what I am doing is paying off. To know that letting a daycare raise you is all worth it in the end.
Right now I can’t see it paying off. Working for your pop is tough and I have seen my fair share of people fail but I thought for a long time that I fell in the ‘succeed’ category. Every day that I go into work I see something different. I am loosing sleep, irritable, angry, stressed and tired and I can’t seem to see the end of it anymore. I can no longer see it paying off any I can’t see it getting any better.
I am at the point where I am seeing a doctor tomorrow because I literally cannot handle the pressure anymore. I need to be better and not just for me, I need to be better for you. I need to start feeling like I can get up in the morning and build something better for us. Something that doesn’t involve self loathing and thinking I am not good enough.
I hope that I don’t pass on this curse to you, the void of self loathing when you feel like you aren’t the best. I hope for you that I pass on that your best is always good enough. I hope that you never feel like you aren’t good enough. Like your world will cave in if you don’t pass the right test or say the right thing.
I hope for you that I am better than all of that. Like you can have a voice, a say even if it might be wrong. I hope that you see the love that I will always have for you or the passion that I feel when I see you excel at anything in life. Most of all I just hope that you live a life with no regrets and realize that above all your mummy loves you.