I just can’t get over how easily the words flowed for him. How likening me to a man whore was like a slip of the tongue, no effort involved. Saying that I must not get along with him because I couldn’t manipulate him like all the other men in my life was a low blow, it showed his true co lours however. If I didn’t know how he already felt about me I quickly learnt.
I thought about how he viewed my sisters relationship, like it was important, like it meant something. Then I thought about how he viewed mine, like they were temporary. Almost, like he always assumed that they were doomed to start with. How am I meant to compare, when I am being compared to the equivalent of the prodigal son. The child that he never had. How are any of his drop kick children meant to compare to that?
If only he knew. If only he knew that I had for Ava’s father and the loneliness that I felt, the betrayal when Shawn lied to me, the anguish and pain I held onto when Storm left. But I still can’t help but wonder if he cared at all. He never asked, he never wondered how I was doing once the dust settled. He carried on with his life and I went on the next day to keep his company afloat while I endured keeping myself together.
He didn’t see the alcohol that I consumed, the drugs that I snorted all in an effort to forget about the loves that I had lost in the battle called life. It is almost as if he looks at himself indestructible because he married someone as selfless as my mother. God forbid she ever leaves him, he would project his hatred on everyone more than he already does.
So someone please tell me how I am meant to work with the man that causes me pain more than any of those break ups; my father.