I was probably halfway through the song before I realized what I had been singing along to. The next line caught in my throat, I was completely unprepared for this moment. I guess I never thought that I would get to this moment. But here I was, windows down letting in the crisp afternoon winter and I finally felt free. I took a drag of my cigarette before singing louder to the next verse. I smiled as I sang, I would never let anyone take this feeling from me ever again.
When I look at myself in the mirror and then I think back three months I can barely believe that I am the same person. The girl who would sob in the shower, drink herself into an oblivion, wait anxiously for people to get home because I couldn’t bear my own company any longer. Here I am now, sitting on the couch with a cup of tea replacing the gin I would normally be holding and feeling content with my life.
I’m not worried this time because I am not finding my happiness in a man or the next bottle I pick up from the shelf, I am finding it from within. For the first time I can remember I am happy with my own company, I don’t drive myself crazy with possible scenarios, I just let sleeping dogs lie and get on with my day.
And these days there is a lot to get on with. I got a personal trainer, started back at the gym and started focusing on myself. I have thrown my efforts back into work, started paying off my accrued debt and have finished reading more books in the past month than I have in the past three years. I have cleared my house out of all the things I don’t need and I adopted a dog. Most of all I let myself heal.
I let all of the tears and the anger out so that I never have to cry them again. I have built myself up as a fortress so that no one can ever tear me down again. I have given myself the strength to smile. And there is something to be said for a woman who has been torn down only to rebuild herself, you should be very afraid of her. Because she knows how to survive by any means necessary.