Dear Sarah

I have avoided writing about her. I am not 100% sure how it even happened but I managed to lose someone who I thought would be friend the rest of my life. She was a friend, a comfort and then the was gone. One drunk night and she took something I said wrong and then like nothing she walked away.

 

It’s not like I am not used to people walking away, I really am. I just really thought that through everything that she would be there. I wish she was. I need her, I miss her. I need her wisdom and her sound mind. I need the laughs and the wine toasts to our inevitable happiness.

 

Mostly because I can’t see it anymore. I have lost so many people and I never thought that she would be one of them. And the inevitable happiness is getting harder to envision. I don’t see it anymore Sarah. Where are you? Where were you all of the times I cried myself to sleep?

 

It’s like I am sleepwalking through my life and I don’t even have you here to tell me it will be okay. Self reassurance is getting really fucking thin. I fell in love with the guy you told me not to sleep with, I’m getting surgery, I fell in love with the guy that you told me not to sleep with and I can’t even tell you about it.

 

I deleted your number so I wouldn’t get drunk and call you. So I wouldn’t get desperate and text you to ask where the hell you are. To ask why you had to hate me so hating yourself would feel better. Just call me, write me, or at least tell me you hate me.

 

Hate me good enough for me to let you go.
Because anything else is a cruel torture.

And I hate myself enough already.

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