I am sick of staring at a blank document and only being able to write about him. It’s been a month and I can’t get him out of my head. I can’t eat, I can’t breathe, I can’t work – he is always in the back of my mind. Every time I try and free myself from the restraint that is him, I keep falling back into the routine dreaming of another outcome.
I think about all the things that could have happened if I would have told him; riding into the sunset and all that. And it makes me happy and sad at the same time. So instead of doing anything from the “post heartbreak list to help you get over him” I get drunk and go to bed early. It works; until I wake up at 2am and realize I can’t sleep anymore and my mind goes back to him.
I wonder if he thinks about me. I wonder if he lays with her and regrets his choice. I wonder if he thinks of me at all. I know he has blocked me on everything and I hope that it is because he can’t stand the thought of being without me so it is easier to try and blot me out entirely. And then there are the moments when I come back to reality. When I remember that he made his choice and he hasn’t changed it. And my far cry of a “happy ending” falls further away.
So I will wake up tomorrow with the hopes that I can pick something from the “list” tomorrow and wake up without a hangover, but I am also realistic.
It will never get much better than this.