Every time I start healing he comes back into my life and rips open the wound, then leaves me to bleed out alone. I can’t keep going around in this toxic circle where I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. I was blind sighted. And even though I knew the truth before he said anything it hit me like a freight train. And I was the deer in the headlights, stuck and stunned in absolute disbelief.
I have a way of knowing when something doesn’t add up. Knowing when someone is telling you something that their words are wavering or they are holding themselves differently; when their words are lies. I’m not going to say that I have a talent for picking liars but I do get to a point when I know someone well enough to pick the lies from the truth. So when she told me that she wasn’t with him, and that she would help me find out who was, it didn’t add up.
But even though I knew the truth, hearing those words cut so deeply I felt like I couldn’t breathe. And then I lost it, I am tired of being the person who lets people hurt me to make themselves feel better. Because it really fucking isn’t okay, I don’t blame you for being you but you can’t blame me for hating it. And you can’t blame me for hating her.
I lost my best friend of seven years, someone that I love with my whole soul to a lying slut. And I don’t have to be okay with that. I don’t have to put on the brave face and say that I am fine. Because I am really fucking not. So he can act like I am too difficult to deal with but all I have done is sit here and let him repeatedly hurt me. If he saw how awful he made me feel he would never be able to look me in the eye again.
But I’m the alone one, because she has him. And I have no fight left.