I’ve written about it before. Closure, an act or process of closing something, especially an institution, thoroughfare, or frontier, or of being closed. As much as I crave the thought of having closure, it means it’s done and I don’t know if I can handle that. I don’t know if I can fathom the thought of closing it off, being done with it. They don’t have to like you and you don’t have to care. But how can you not? When the person who poisons your soul is everything you ever wanted.
I’m scared that ten years from now I’m going to still be thinking about the same guy. The one who looks past me, the one who broke me more deeply than any other person, the person that I am deeply and irrevocably falling for. And that same guy only has eyes for my best friend. How am I meant to be in the same room as him knowing that he is thinking of her. I wonder if all the times he was with me he was wishing it was her.
I know that I can’t blame him entirely, I can’t make this all his fault. I knew that he didn’t feel for me like that, but why her? The one person I asked you not to sleep with. So here I am again. Feeling like, I’m not wanted, Feeling like I’m worthless. Feeling like I’m dead, when I am still alive. But I can’t let him go. You were never supposed to mean this much to me; I was never meant to fall so hard. But I did and that’s the truth, that’s what keeps me holding on. Knowing that letting go, letting go hurts like hell.
So maybe I will never get my closure. But for now, I can deal with that.