I should have seen it coming. Now when I look back I should have known from that night that I would never be able to trust him again. He looked me in the eye and told me that he would leave me if I didn’t tell him what was going on. So I told him the darkest part of myself because I didn’t want to lose him. I hated him for that, a part of me always will. Using the threat of leaving someone when they are depressed and distraught because you don’t understand their grief is disgusting. Using someone else’s pain to make you feel better is never okay.
I should have made him leave because the moment when you have to justify yourself to anyone is the moment it’s done. But instead I blamed myself. I said that it was my fault because I should have been able to keep it together more, not make him think that something was wrong. I was hurting and vulnerable and he took advantage of that for his own gain.
So in my pain and hurting I told him; I told him something that I had never spoken about with anyone. I was raped, pregnant and ultimately killed my baby. Every year September is the month that I feel like I am drowning, I mark of the days till I can go back to feeling remotely normal without the constant reminder. The reminder that I consumed enough alcohol to kill that baby before she even had a chance.
I loved her but I loved myself more. In that moment I made a selfish decision so that I wouldn’t ever have a chance at finding out who had done that to me. Because for me it is easier if he doesn’t exist. If I never have to put a name to his face. We never spoke about it after that night. He pretended everything was fine, that what he had done was okay. It wasn’t and it still isn’t.
He did something that I never thought he would do. When shit got rough, when we were at breaking point, he said that I was weak. He said that I thought I was strong but he had seen my weakness and he knew who I really was. He was wrong. I am human, I have fallen more times than I can count, I hold a lot of sadness inside but this is me. I am better than I was and I will be better than I am. True strength is knowing that you don’t have to be strong every second of every day.
Being damaged is a rare type. It is the one you should fear because through everything we have pulled ourselves up after a fall. So if that was too much for him to handle, too hard to grasp then so be it. I won’t beat myself up over his inability to comprehend true strength. I will keep pulling myself up no matter how hard I fall and I will become be better. I am better.