The funny thing about this whole situation is that you thought you were doing what you did to fix me. Instead you did the opposite. I was dumbfounded when I realized that you had pissed all over the one promise I thought you would always be able to keep. I was in so much shock that it took twenty minutes for me to stop shaking. I wanted to be wrong, Jesus I wanted to be so wrong about it. I wanted to look in the mirror and laugh at myself for being so stupid and insecure to begin with but I couldn’t. All I could do was wrap my arms around myself and sob in the realization that the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with had been lying to me.
And then I was blamed. You told me that you only did it because you were desperate, that you would never do it again and that I could trust you. The thing about trust is that discovering one lie is enough to put doubt into every action, every word that came out of your mouth. You played me for a fool and I let you, it was like you were a parasite; once you wormed your way into my life you started draining the life out of me without me even realizing what you were doing.
It didn’t take long for me to start questioning everything. Looking for answers and finding them. How long did you think you could get away with it? How much did you think it would take before I realized what you were doing? The money, gang, ex girlfriend that had been on the scene when we met; how could you even look at yourself in the goddamn mirror?
It makes me sick to think that I let you near my child, that I let you call yourself her step father. For you to tell me how much you loved her all the while putting me in danger of losing her by spending time with criminals and scum. I don’t even know how you could do it. Get close to that beautiful little girl knowing who you are. Every time she mentions you I curl up in anger, it takes everything for me to hold it together explaining to her that you aren’t coming back.
I know what you think of me, people were very willing to tell me what had been said about me behind my back. About what a weak person I was and that I was nothing without you. You called me an alcoholic, drug pusher and said I couldn’t look after myself, like you had fixed me before I became a crack whore. Here’s the biggest newsflash for you – I am everything without you. I am strong, independent and successful which is more than can be said for you. You walk through life like you are top of the fucking world as a forty-year-old man who earns average money, no transport, crashing at a friends house, divorced, no family and no close friends, still trying to finish a degree.
I cannot wait for the day that you look in the mirror and realize that you lost everything because you are a horrible person. When you look back and realize that you have nothing to show for your life. I made myself who I am today. You can blame me for cutting you off but darling you gave me the scissors. So keep trying to get close by using my friends but you won’t get me down, I am actually strong enough to hold myself up.