Four Years Ago Today

Today is D-Day. I wait all year for January the fourth so that I can think about that day four years ago. I hate today and all I want is someone here to hold me and tell me that it is okay and instead today I cried and cleaned the kitchen floor so I wouldn’t take a knife to myself. I can handle nearly any other day on my own but the one day when I feel like I need people there are none. So I cleaned the floor and I am avoiding all of the alcohol in the house because I should be made to feel this pain. I deserve this pain inflicted upon me once a year so I can remember not do do something that fucking stupid again.

Four years ago today, I was raped.

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4 thoughts on “Four Years Ago Today

  1. I don’t know what you think you did that was so stupid, but you didn’t deserve to be raped for sure. No one does. But I get that feeling though. Sadly, I have had times when I have people around me when I feel like that and it didn’t help, it just made me feel more isolated and abnormal. Wanting someone to hug me and feeling like I want to be alone if they do…it’s a bad place to be. But it does get better with time, and you can get through it. I am here if you want to talk, though I know that talking to complete stranger isn’t quite what you have in mind. But there is a lot of people out there that have been through the same thing, me included, so it’s kind of…well, it is slightly better knowing that you aren’t the only one going through this. Hugs

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    • The fourth is always a bad day/week. I am feeling much better now. It is something that I am learning how to deal with more and more each year. But your words help so thank you.
      Juls x

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  2. I know you may feel you are to blame around that anniversary, but you did not do anything. No you did not deserve to be violated.

    It is easy to blame ourselves when we are hurt by someone else, but in some cases, like rape, domestic violence, child abuse, or other abuse, we have to learn that the person who does the act is to blame.

    Next year, it may be helpful to try to make plans with someone. It could be to spend the day with them, go out to eat, a movie, or even shopping. Whatever relaxes you. I personally don’t have anyone who will do that for me. Anniversaries and holidays are the only time I allow myself more than two drinks. I don’t get drunk but relaxed. Just a thought. Feel free to contact me anytime. I’ll leave a link with my info.
    http://wp.me/P3gsHq-u0

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    • Thank you for your kind words. It is the only day of the year that I allow myself to feel the pain from it, the rest of the year I shut it out and ignore it. But your words mean a lot xx

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