Sometimes I feel like what I am doing is not living, I survive in the best way that I know how and that’s all I do, I tread water. I put myself in situations that are difficult to get out of and difficult to get into but I do it because maybe a part of me likes the pain; why do I keep hitting myself in the head with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop. But pain for me falls into the same category as addiction, I enjoy it, I revel in it so I keep doing it and then that is where I get to the point where I am stuck; treading water.
I always enjoyed the water as a child, it held a certain mystery and charm with the murky water and not being able to see the bottom. As an adult you learn that delving into the murkiness, the unknown is not all that it is cracked up to be. You learn that the monsters hiding in the shadows are real and the tide pulling you under is sometimes unstoppable. So that is where fight or flight comes in to play; so I tread water, bordering on both flight and fight because I am not quite sure if I want to give up all together or rise above.
That’s the funny thing about being an adult is that we have to choose our own path. When you are young someone tells you what you can and can’t do; moving into adulthood gives you the freedom to choose what you want. But when you are dropped in adulthood so quickly how can you be expected to know how to make a right decision? So we wing it and we hope for the best. Some of us are luckier than others but then some, like me, we just tread water and hope to survive.