What if?

Sometimes I look at the past year of my life and I can’t believe how much it has changed. Not in a ‘Let’s make a list of resolutions that I will fail at doing next year’ type of reflection but just how I am leading a completely different life. I started this year living with my then partner as a stay-at-home mum, working part time. But now I am working full time and being a parent part time. And I am finally ready to accept that, I have neglected my daughter in the past few months because I can’t handle myself let alone attend to her needs. Maybe that makes me a bad person but the first way to fix a problem is to admit that you have one.

It’s perplexing really how in twelve months your life can change forever. And mine changed the day I decided to leave my partner. I had been thinking about it for about a month, arguing with myself and writing pros & cons lists. But eventually I put it forward to him; either he got help for his depression or I would leave him with our daughter. And what really kills me is that he told me to go. And so I did; I packed up my entire life and I made the decision to move back to where my family were. But now he has moved back into the area and told me that he is still in love with me. I am not sure how I am meant to handle that.

Part of me wants to run into his arms and tell him what has happened in the past year but the logical side of my brain keeps reminding me that he picked himself over his family. I understand how depression works and how little you care when you are depressed like he was but five minutes after I left he started getting the help that he needed. So that is all it took, me getting my heart broken and turning my entire life upside down for him to realize that he had a problem. He is doing great now, I guess it is just me that is falling apart.

He has put me in a position where I am questioning everything that I have done. I mean I broke up a family that was so happy at one stage because I thought that he would never be better and now he is. When I told my mother that I had broken up from him all she asked is if I had done everything that I could. I went away and thought about that and I went beck and told her that yes I had. She wanted to know that in 10-15 years when my daughter comes to me and wants to know why mummy and daddy aren’t together that I could look her in the eye and tell her that I had done everything I could. Now I don’t know. Maybe if I would have given him another week or maybe if I wouldn’t have pushed him so hard to get help then he would have done it himself. And so I am dying inside because in a ten minute phone call I lost the love of my life and my best friend.

So I neglect my daughter because I don’t know how to handle things anymore. He still loves me and even if I don’t love him still I will always have that daunting – What if? When those two words are separated they are nothing but sentence fillers but when you line them up next to each other they evoke feeling in even the strongest of peoples. In the past year I have changed my life completely but now I feel like the same messed up sixteen-year-old I was when I met him. And it is killing me.

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