“I’m fine.” I lie to myself out loud. Except that it won’t stop raining and deep inside I feel like I’m never going to see the sun again. I take a deep breath in, exhaling softly, it doesn’t help. Everything is falling to pieces around me; I am the devil dancing in my own personal hell. I watch the night drag on and I shiver wondering if I am ever going to see the light of day again. I don’t know how long I have been here, staring out into the blank outline of the endless sky.
The moon is blanketed in lurid clouds making the night seem even darker. A chilled breeze picks up my hair, swirling it around my face causing strands to stick with my cheeks which are damp with tears.
I have another swig from the bottle of Gin that I swiped from mum and dad. I will have to remember to top it up with some water in the morning. Most nights I can cope with who I am and what I have done and other days I just can’t imagine getting through another day as myself.
I know that I can’t change the past and I can’t make it better but a part of my mind is forcing me to live there on a daily basis. The bottle is nearly empty. I will just have to buy a new one in the morning, fuck this I need it tonight. I know I should be back at home in bed, I have work in the morning and I don’t need a headache. The reasonable part of me loses as I take another gulp from the bottle. The flash backs come easily to me when I am here. I can see him standing outside of his car, leaning on it just watching me. He is a predator and he is waiting; waiting for me.
I shouldn’t have ignored him when he talked to me, then maybe I he wouldn’t have done it. I remember the grip of his hand on my arm when he pushed me into the car and the sound that his zipper made when he pulled it down. I remember the searing pain when he pushed himself into me and his sweaty hand across my mouth so I couldn’t scream for help. I remember him laughing as he pulled his shrivelled cock from me and he got into his car while I was slumped on the ground. And I remember what he said to me “You’re a top class fuck you know?”
My therapist that I went to all of three times said that I should say what I would have said to him if I was confronted by him again. And honestly after nearly four years I still don’t know. I wouldn’t know if I would feel hatred or feel sorry for him. To take a fifteen-year-olds virginity is wrong and sick but part of me thinks that I would forgive him. The other part wants to castrate him and put his cock on display for all of the other sick fucks out there.
He was the one that I was never meant to fuck. The one that I was never meant to meet. Hindsight is an amazing thing, one moment and one bad decision in your life can change everything.